Heartsteading

It’s amazing what a child will find fascinating when outside opinions are not a factor.I wish I could say I taught him everything he knows, but that would be a far cry from the truth.The fact is that I fall short in many areas, even the ones that scream of my values.I’m learning, albeit slowly, to give myself grace, but I’m a work in progress, even there.What I do know is that despite our shortcomings, kids still thrive.Perhaps they thrive because of our shortcomings.With each passing day, I’m more grateful for the ways my shortcomings allow my children to shine.They may not all teach themselves to crochet.Some might need more from us to make it.Others might need more space to spread their wings.But all of them will learn to fly with ample amounts of curiosity, encouragement, and support.Time is the great equalizer.The once popular kids are pushing papers, spreading mulch, and growing bald spots, just like the rest of us.The trouble is that many parents assume it’s their duty to help their kids toughen up by removing this safe haven.They push their children into difficult circumstances, thinking it will prepare them for real life. They believe it’s a rite of passage for their kids to be initiated like everybody else.I used to volunteer in the church nursery when my eldest was a baby.There was a boy, about three years old, who cried from the instant his father dropped him off until he picked him up an hour later.The other volunteers and I took turns holding him, trying to engage him in play, but mostly consoling him and helping him feel secure.After several weeks, the father gave us new instructions.Please don’t hold him today if he cries, he said firmly.He needs to learn how to make it through.He needs to toughen up.My heart sank.I knew this boy and his family.I knew he needed a little extra love during a rough season for his parents.There was nothing that could have kept me from consoling that child.But in an effort to toughen up their children, they only make them feel more insecure.When we take away their safe haven, our kids have to fight for survival both when they’re out in the world and also at home.Never mind that life is tough enough on its own.That there are plenty of opportunities for our children to develop a thick skin without feeling utterly abandoned by their parents.That being ridiculed or pushed around doesn’t actually strengthen a person but can cause serious harm.Yet it is even more than that.It is the secure environment that allows our hearts to develop.A haven of growth, quiet, and rest.The place where we love and are loved.Sadly though, this kind of home is beginning to disappear as our busy society turns homes into houses where related people abide, but there is no heart.2Our task isn’t to prepare children for the challenges of life by making their home life difficult.It’s to give them a safe, nurturing space to be their true selves, for only then can they truly thrive.Eliot said, home is where one starts from.3You may have heard of homesteaders, but my friend Stephanie Beaty is a heartsteader. She turns every home into a safe haven for her children.It might have something to do with her husband Mike’s military career, which forced them to live in fourteen different homes in eighteen years.But Stephanie has poured herself into creating warm, inviting spaces where her children can feel safe and have a sense of belonging.When she lived in Richmond, Virginia, I often drove the two hours to her house, where there was a climbing wall installed in her living room, monkey bars going up the underside of her spiral staircase, a wicker chair that hung from the rafters, and a set of vintage school lockers in the kitchen where her children could store their belongings.What’s more, Stephanie gives her children the space to just be kids.Whether it’s a shared bunk room with a view of the river from their tiny river cottage in Florida or the zip line through the trees at their house in the big woods in Virginia, her children will always know that their childhood was cherished.They had saved up for a family gap year after Mike’s military retirement and decided to spend the next eighteen months traveling twelve thousand miles, seeing some of the most majestic parts of the country, and growing closer together than they ever imagined possible.But we learned that life isn’t as much what happens to you as how you respond to it.Stephanie and her family finally returned to their hometown in Florida, where they purchased a small, river cottage and are settling in for the next season of life together.A season of travel, rest, and adventures helped us give attention to the people and practices that mattered most to us, Stephanie said.You can take a vacation or a staycation, Stephanie said.You can camp in a national park or your own backyard.Work with what is available to you.You may be surprised that it is more than enough.